Today we will observe Christopher Columbus…
Famous lucky-bastard and renowned racist Christopher Columbus is one of many credited with discovering that the world is indeed round. He is also credited with the discovery of America. Too bad he didn’t actually do either. In honor of his great “discoveries” he has been given his own day. This “Christopher Columbus Day” only celebrates taking credit for the works of others. I can give you a list of 100 people that deserve their own day over Columbus right here. People, we must realize that Christopher Columbus gets way too much credit.
For those unaware with the works of Columbus; he successfully whored himself out to Queen Isabella of Spain and in return was given three ships: the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, which are all now common names among Filipino hookers. His mission was to sail to China and eventually back to Spain. In doing this he would prove the world was round and garner much praise for Spain. Well, Columbus failed miserably and instead landed in the Bahamas (presumably for a Sandals vacation). He claimed though to be in the East Indies. He couldn’t have been anymore wrong. Despite his massive failures, Spain praised him as a hero. He went on many other voyages in which he raped and killed innocent people. Despite never accomplishing what he actually set out to do, Spain kept on praising him like a deity.
Among his many faults, Columbus had a passion for lying. He claimed to have been the first to see land on his first voyage, when in fact Rodrigo de Triana was the first to spot land. Columbus also lied to the Indians he first made contact with. He told them he was a god and that he would help them. He instead captured them and made them his slaves. Other claims made by Columbus included finding the cure for Polio, saying American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini had a bright future after the show, and telling Cubs fans that they would win the pennant before 2005.
If Christopher Columbus is to be credited with anything it should be the spread of various STDs. Yes, that’s right, Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Apparently, Columbus was a bit of a freak and he contracted syphilis on his first voyage. His entire crew contracted syphilis as well. Many members (no pun intended) of the crew joined the army of King Charles VIII after working with Columbus and after the invasion of Italy they helped spread the disease even further across Europe. Good job Columbus and crew.
Christopher also demanded respect for “discovering” the world was round. Get in line buddy. You and the other five million people born before the 1600s. Just because you didn’t believe the Mesopotamians and Chinese, you don’t get any special treatment.
At the age of 50-something, Columbus died. In 1968, 462 years after his death, he was brought back into the limelight when NBC started to air the crime fiction show Columbo, whose title character was based on Christopher “Columbo” Columbus.
Remember this jingle when thinking of Senor Columbus: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. By 1494, he gave syphilis to over half the continent of Europe.
